I just feel like I need to get a couple of things off my chest and I always feel like this is probably the best place to do it. Even if nobody reads it just writing it down sometimes helps.
I'm feeling so horribly stressed and not quite myself at the moment. I think I'm just having one of those times where everything gets on top of you so much that your head whirs a bit and you feel a bit distant from the world.
The whole school thing with Jack is really hard, am I making the right choices? Am I being over protective of him? Will he be happy? I could just go on and on with the questions. I'm sure I will be a complete nervous wreck by the time we get to September. I just need to keep telling myself that i went through these exact same emotions last September when he started at nursery and I still cant quite believe the progress he has made since he did!
I'm having a hard time with my eldest at times as well just lately. Shes just going through the normal teenage hormones and rebellious times. Its so hard though. I knew it would be difficult but I don't think anything can actually prepare you for it. I think you always see them as your little baby and therefore you always feel like the behaviour is abnormal as they are too young. When you sit down rationally and think about it though you can cast your mind back to when you went through the same stage. i clearly remember knowing everything back then!
I did think I was going to have some form of breakdown on Thursday though and even pulled my own hair. Stupid eh?
Shes been great since then and I'm just hoping for my own sanity that we get at least a week of it ;0)
I think with regards the driving I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself that is just silly. I was in a real state of nerves this morning before my lesson. To the point I felt like I was probably going to vomit! I'm hoping that by next Tuesday this will be better though as I really enjoyed myself today. I feel like I did do well even though I made a couple of mistakes. I'm sure everyone does.
I take Jack to bed at night and he lays in his bed and I sit on the floor next to him and we talk. I ask him things and we do some words to see what he can say as I have his full attention. Ive been doing this for ages with him. Usually this makes me smile as he is so funny but at the moment I look at him lay there and I actually feel like my heart is broken. I feel like my body did something wrong with him. Almost like a little.....I'm going to say punishment though really this isn't the right word as I could never view him like that, he is far too special and beautiful, as I wanted a son so intensely and would have been disappointed with another girl. I know how selfish and dreadful that sounds when there are people near and dear to me that have struggled to have children. I know all this probably sounds really dramatic and silly but its just the way my head is making me see things at the moment. I'm sure that I will be back to myself soon.
